Two days ago I found out the very sad news that a great childhood friend of mine  – Stephen Vella – died of cancer on Saturday, January 30th.

I am in pain.

Although we were best friends growing up and he had a tremendous impact on my life – these last few years we were not in touch very much – only through e-mail and facebook, etc.

I had no idea that the cancer he had as a child came back three years ago.  He never mentioned it.

He was always positive…and when I spoke with his sister on the day that I found out about his passing – she mentioned that he really did not think that this was the end – even after they removed one of his lungs this past summer.

I wish I could fly back for the funeral.   I wish I could speak with him, tell him how much I value what we shared – his friendship and all the wonderful fun times together.

I am the type of person who has a handful of great friends…and those friends are like family.  He was like family to me.

These past years – we just were not a part of each other’s lives however, and I, of course, wish I had been in touch more.

But we have our shared memories and those will never be erased.

Although I have been very busy with my business lately – I have taken a break in these last 48 hours.  And it’s okay.

I realize that so many times I have chosen my work over calling a good friend to reconnect…because oh man – we haven’t spoken in such a long time and it’s going to take at least two hours to reconnect…and I have to get these other  things done – I can’t spend two hours speaking to someone right now!

And I have to tell you that I now know that that is the wrong attitude.  Because reconnecting with a great friend can take 15 minutes.

I called a few friends the other day and told them that I only had 15 minutes to speak.  Their reaction:  “Great.  I will take what I can get!”

Friends – although we are probably the busiest that we have ever been in our lives, let’s make the time to connect and reconnect.  All the things that have to get done, will get done anyway.

Let’s not forget or take for granted what really matters to us in our lives.

Stephen - 1975 - 2010 - But he lives on forever in all those who had the privilege to know and love him.

Lately I have been finding that it is so hard for me to keep up with everything going on in my life right now, work, school, my children.  Do you have any suggestions for how I can find balance in my life and my family relationships?”

R.D.

Dear R.D.

Thank you for submitting your question.  Finding balance is something that I too – and many others I have spoken to over that last few months – have been trying to work on.

One person said to me: “My mind is always two or three steps ahead of what I am actually focused on.”

That is why my first suggestion for finding balance in your life is to practice being FULLY PRESENT in your life.

By that I mean – with whatever you are doing – stay focused on only that thing; whether it is reading or speaking to your children, working on a project at work, studying for a test, or making time for yourself.

Say to yourself: “My child is asking me for my attention right now.  I will give it to her and focus ONLY on what she is saying and expressing to me.”

Efficiency is the key here; and it is difficult to be efficient with your time if you are focused on three different things at the same time.

Here is a suggestion:  A tool that works well for me is at the beginning of each week I make a list of ALL the things I want to accomplish that week.  Then I break up that list into the days of the week and fill in what I want to accomplish each day.

This exercise helps get the jumble and noise out of my head and onto a piece of paper where I can now take more control over it.  I even go as far as to write in when in the day I will do the things I have planned for that day.  This makes each of my days less overwhelming and my tasks more doable.

I also try to never schedule anything for when my kids come home from school.  My plan is to give them my full attention for the next hour, at least.  Many times it only takes a few solid minutes (maybe 20 or 30) of full and total presence with my children to give them the impression and the trusted feeling that I care and really want to connect with them.  (I have also seen how doing this has a positive affect on the way that they behave the rest of the day and on our relationship!)

I know, and the children know, that after their bedtime – it is MY time to get back to my scheduled tasks.

These days it is SO easy to get off track with the internet being such a draw and people being able to get in touch with us at any time through our cell phones and text messaging.

The key here is to honor yourself and the commitments you make to yourself and the others in your life.

Committing to be fully present and in the moment with what you said you wanted to focus on at the time, will help you feel more relaxed and in control.   It will help you be efficient with your time and thereby get you to accomplish more and be able to connect in a deep way to the people you care most about…including yourself.

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Have a question about your personal or family relationships, dating, parenting, teens, making choices, friends, etc.?

Send your questions to: thegetrealcoach@gmail.com

No question will ever be posted here without the explicit permission of the sender.

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Want to move your personal and/or family relationships forward?  Contact Jenny today to find out how.

054-331-5781  |  getrealcoaching@gmail.com

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Get R.E.A.L.™

Respect

Encourage

Appreciate

Love…

…yourself and the people you care most about.

“What’s going on?” I kept thinking to myself,  “Why aren’t they listening to me!?”

After I LOSE it – (well, not always, but it happens to me too!) and realize that that has absolutely no positive affect on the situation, I like to have conversations with my kids (which I usually bring up at dinnertime, or bedtime) where I let them know about a problem I think we are having, let them know how I am feeling, and give them a chance to respond.

Everyone at the table is also encouraged to bring up anything that is bothering them that they would like to work through.

Last Friday night, when my son  – again -  was not listening to me, I told him how I felt, that I was getting very frustrated and that we really had to solve this problem.  Here is how our conversation went:

Noam, you seem to be having a very hard time listening lately.  I know from your teachers that you always listen well in school.  Why not at home?

“Ima, in school I listen because I don’t want to get punished.”

Oh, I see.  Is that the ONLY reason you listen in school?

“No.”

Okay, well what are some other reasons it is a good idea to listen?

(Silence.)

Noam, what kind of home do you want  this to be, a place where people get punished and yelled at for not listening, or a place where we all listen to one another because it’s the right thing to do?

“No, I don’t want to get punished at home.  We should just do it because it’s right.”

Okay, well that’s the kind of home I want too.  Let’s go back to the table and talk about what we ALL can do to listen better to one another in our home.

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What is my goal as a parent?  Is it to control their behavior and to get them to listen ONLY because I said so?

I have to admit, that would be nice.  But it’s not the atmosphere I am interested in creating in our home.

I want our home to be a place where people listen to one another because that is just what we do; where people clean up, because it is just what we do; where people respect each other’s  feelings, bodies, personal space, etc. – because it is the right thing to do.

So I make an effort to teach, to respect, to listen, really listen to what everyone’s needs are – and address those needs, instead of the ‘behavior’ being displayed.

Yes, it takes more time – time that sometimes I do not have.  And I have to admit, just like you, I am not always on my own ‘best behavior.’  I get stressed, I lose patience, I get upset, and even yell sometimes.

But I work on it and ‘keep my eye on the prize’ – on the atmosphere I want to create.  I take a step back and start with myself and think about the way that I listen.

Am I ignoring my children the first time they call for me?  Am I making an effort to really connect and help them figure out what is really bothering them?

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At the table, each of us, my husband, myself, and my two older children (age 6 1/2 and 5) contributed to our conversation.  My husband and I realized that we may have been giving too many demands – and nagging our children – and that WE may not have been listening well to them.

Robbie and I have both been pre-occupied more with our work lately, perhaps we are not giving our children the attention that they have been requiring.

We made a pact that we would all make an effort to listen to one another…the first time around…

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This week, just take the time to observe how much listening is taking place in your home and life.

• When your children ask you for something, how do you respond?

• How well do you and your spouse listen to one another?

• How are you listening to your friends or your co-workers?

• How present are you when someone else is speaking with you?

• Are you feeling heard in your own life?

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Send me an e-mail to getrealcoaching@gmail.com or add a comment here to let me know what you are discovering about the listening in your life.

“How did you know what YOU wanted  to do with your life?”

~Kayla, age 18

Dear Kayla,

That is a GREAT question; one that many young adults struggle with; ‘What am I good at?  What SHOULD I be doing with my life?  I wish someone just told me what to do!’)

Yes, wouldn’t life be so easy if God came down to each one of us and told us EXACTLY what we SHOULD be doing.  I sometimes wish that too, and when I am truly in touch with who I am, I can honestly feel HIS presence with me, knowing that I am on the path that I am supposed to be on, you know, the one that was created just for me.

So, how did I know?

Well, from a very young age, thanks to my parents, I always knew the things that I was good at.  I am not referring to all the things that I accomplished in life, but rather to my inner qualities, the ones that made me – me, no matter what I did, how many points I scored on the basketball team, or how many tests I aced.

From a very young age I KNEW that I was a kind, caring, friendly, real, and charming person, with a good sense of humor.

As I got older and was ready to explore the world of work, I always knew that I was ‘good with people.’  So, naturally I pursued a career in the helping profession and as a young adult volunteered and interned in nursing homes, after-school programs, high schools, and homeless shelters.

I learned a lot and grew in ALL of these professions, and eventually pursued a degree and career in social work.

To tell you the truth, even as an adult in the field of social work, involved in really important work, I still did not feel like I was fulfilling my full potential.

It was not until I began my training as a coach that I was finally asked some of the most important questions I have ever had to think about and answer:

• What are my passions?
• What are my life goals?
• What is my message to the world?

It was through exploring these questions, and in becoming very aware of my qualities and strengths that I took much more control of my life and began to create the path that I am currently on.

In all honesty, it was only a few years ago that I used to ask my husband questions like: “What should I be doing?  I feel like I should be doing something great, what is it?”  (And I was already doing great things – but it was still not enough, not totally ‘right.’)

Once I was asked those questions, and took the responsibility to explore them with the support of my own coach, and wonderful husband, friends, and colleagues – I have become so CLEAR, I have VISION, and I am DIRECTED.

And I HAVE NOT ASKED MY HUSBAND those same ‘what should I be doing with my life?!’ questions since.

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What if ALL young people were asked those very same questions, AND were given the space to safely explore their own passions, qualities, and strengths?

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Have a question about relationships, dating, life choices, parenting, abuse prevention, or teens /young adults?

Send your question to Jenny at: thegetrealcoach@gmail.com

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Get R.E.A.L.™

Respect,

Encourage,

Appreciate,

Love…

…yourself and the people you care most about!

Do you have any comments on this?”

- Yael

Hi Yael,

Thank you for submitting your question.   I read your question over a few times and here is what I am ‘hearing.’  Your son has expressed to you that he is not happy in his school, that he is “suffering terribly and just wants to go somewhere where he can succeed.”  He is telling you that he feels that he can handle being in a different school, but you are “not too sure.”

Yael, you sound like you want what is best for your son, but you are not 100% sure what that best is right now.

All children, and people for that matter, have a need to feel that ‘they are capable.’  Teens, in particular, have a general fear of failure.  It sounds to me like your son is begging for a chance where he can feel successful and capable.

Your concerns are also valid, and it is difficult to choose.

I would like to make a few suggestions to help you move forward on this with your son to help the both of you come up with a solution that works well for everyone.

First, it may be a good idea to make a list – for yourself – of the ‘knowns’ versus the ‘unknowns.’   For example:  you know that your son is unhappy, you don’t know what will happen to him religiously.  We cannot control what we do not know, we can only control how we react to the unknown.

Secondly, I would like to suggest that you have a talk with your son where you take the time to first really listen (without talking at all) to his point of view (POV).  Let him get it all out – his concerns, his wants, etc. – without you making any judgments or comments or sharing your point of you.

Start the conversation with something like: “Okay, we’ve been going back and forth on this for some time now and I would like to have another conversation about this.  This time I would really first like to hear your point of view.  I promise to listen, not make any judgments or comments, to keep my mouth shut and listen to you respectfully.   Then, I am going to share my point of view with you – and would like the same respect and non-judgment from you.  After we both share each other’s point of views, let’s then work together and brainstorm for solutions and decide together on the solution that will work the best.”

When you are listening to his POV, just give him the floor and your full attention.  Make sure he really feels heard.

Once he has had the opportunity to speak,  you may want to repeat back what he said to make sure you understood his POV and to let him know that you want to understand his POV.  You can start the sentence by stating “I understand that..”  Give him the opportunity to make any corrections.  Through this he will learn how well he expresses himself and whether or not he is expressing his real wants and needs in a way that others really understand it.  (This teaches him how to take responsibility and be proactive in letting others know what he really requires – instead of just assuming that others know.)

Now take your turn to share your POV.  Ask him to repeat it back to you the same way you had to make sure you are both on the same page.

When you are brainstorming together – pick up on the things you heard him say:  his real concerns, wants and needs.  You want to be able to address those needs in a way that helps him feel empowered.  For example: “I heard you say that you want to go somewhere where you can succeed.”

Then start asking some open ended questions so you get to what is real for him, like:

“What does success mean to you?”

“How will you know when you have reached success?”

“What is important to you?”

Ask him to make a list of what is important to him (his studies, friends, religion, etc.) and then ask him to put it in order of importance.  If studies and religion or friends come out equal or very close to one another – help him figure out a way to be able to balance both or all.

You can say something like – “I understand that your studies, friends, and religion are all of equal importance to you.  How do you think you can meet all of those needs?  If you choose to go to a less religious school, what is your plan for fulfilling your spiritual and social needs?   If you choose to stay in your current school, what is your plan for fulfilling your academic needs?”

Do the same when you talk about your concerns going back to your POV.  Say something like: “I am afraid you will be influenced by students that are not strong religiously.  What do you think about that?  What support do you require to help keep you committed religiously?”

Then hear him out, let him address your concerns.  Believe him and trust him.  Listen to his suggestions.  Make some of your own.  Give him the message that you really care and want him to succeed…in life.

In general, kids that have gone off the derech are children or teens that have been lied to, hurt, misguided, not trusted, not accepted or abused by a trusted figure in their lives.  You can find out more about the reasons kids go ‘off the derech’ by reading Off the Derech:  Why Observant Jews Leave Judaism.

Showing your son that you trust him and believe in him, while at the same time supporting him and guiding him in helping him make the right choices for himself, will give him the message that he is capable and that he will and can succeed – and that you are available to continue to give him support and guidance when he requires it.

I am sure you are getting the gist of what I am suggesting here:  Hear him out, get to the core of what he really desires, and help him figure out how to accomplish what he wants by validating and supporting him and giving him the tools to problem solve and come up with the solutions that would work best for him at this time.

I hope that this was helpful to you.  PLEASE keep me posted.

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Have any question about your own family or personal relationships, dating, parenting, teens, child abuse, etc. and would like to get my perspective and suggestions on it?

Please send your questions to: thegetrealcoach@gmail.com.

I will NEVER post any questions without the explicit permission of the sender.

Get R.E.A.L.™

Respect,

Encourage,

Appreciate,

Love…

…yourself and the people you care most about.

Kermit the Frog!

Here is how they sized me up:

“You are a leader, and the calm in the center of a storm. Thoughtful by nature, you enjoy talking (or maybe singing) about the simple things in life. A fierce and loyal friend, you have no problems making friends everywhere that you go. You would like to touch millions of people in life and make them happy, you see the beauty in everything. You can be frazzled, but it is usually very short lived, a quick blow up, then you are back to your usual calm self.”

So true.  How do they know??

I love feeling understood